While driving across eastern Colorado the other day, I tired of the radio and turned it off. The dog was asleep and not available for our usual, stimulating, one way conversation. Now, there is NOTHING in eastern Colorado along I-70. No farms or trees, no interesting landscape. There, amazingly, aren’t many billboards.
There isn’t even any road kill, all the animals are somewhere else where there are things to chase, elude and eat. The point is, it was incredibly boring so I was stuck with my own thoughts, and came up with a few very important lessons I have learned while Roadtreking that should be passed along.
The toilet will splash all over the bathroom if not empty and the lid closed.
Wet dogs and hiking boots are pungent in tight living space.
Towel off wet dogs BEFORE they enter said, small space.
No spill dog water dishes are a good thing while en route.
Always keep quarters handy for showers, tolls and small children.
Be sure to take enough quarters in to pay showers to get conditioner fully rinsed from hair.
Slowly unscrew the water hose from the spigot after turning off water until pressure is eased – point face away.
French press coffee is delicious, but grounds can be problematic.
Bacon and salmon are delicious, but cook outside unless you want to smell them for 3-5 days. And you want your favorite jacket to smell for 3-5 days. And your bedding.
Microwavable soup cans will blow up in the microwave.
The carbon monoxide detector will beep incessantly at an incredibly loud and high pitch when the battery is low. The wrench needed is metric. This will happen at 3 a.m.
Do not depress the alarm set/unset button twice. The van beeps. This is not conducive to good neighbor relations at 10 p.m., 6 a.m. or any quiet time in the campground.
Sketchy neighborhood? When in doubt, unplug/ get out. Refrigerator? When in doubt, throw it out. Sketchy road conditions? When in doubt, alternate route. Bears? When in doubt, wave and shout.
When the “before departing” checklist isn’t used, many consecutive stops will be made at consecutive corners or consecutive exits to: shut the roof fan vent, lower the antenna, turn off the propane, unhook the electrical cord dragging behind the vehicle, close the windows, flush and close the toilet lid, take the coffee cup off the counter (or wipe it off the floor).
When cooking without the exhaust fan, the smoke detector will emit an incredibly loud, long and highly pitched sound. This will happen during quiet time in the campground. It will annoy your neighbors, scare you and make you drop whatever sharp object you may be holding or cause you to splatter gooey diced tomatoes upon your favorite jacket that smelled like bacon and now smells like a good Bolognese sauce.
No matter how often or where I try using just the antenna for television, I always get only the Sesame Street channel.
Close roof vent and awning before torrential downpours.
Cabinets are lower and harder than my head.
Oh, and lastly, bring books on tape for that tedious eastern Colorado drive.
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